Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
