I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
