Well apparently he's into motor boating.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
