Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
