Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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