Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
