He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I stole a fireplace last night.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
