turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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