I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
