The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
