My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
