I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
