Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
