How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
