I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
