I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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