Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
