I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
