Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
