Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
she woke up with a sticky ear
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
