How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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