i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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