plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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