I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
you are never too drunk for berry picking
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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