I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You ruined the universe
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
