i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
