I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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