Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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