bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
