Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
