I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
