omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
