yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
