Sry I called you an 8
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
