Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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