Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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