"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My bed smells like the plague
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