non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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