i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
