her vagina looked like bernie madoff
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I need water and some morals
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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