You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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