I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
