he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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