I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
