I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
