i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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