Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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