Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
