Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
