i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
